Free Indeed

  • Set Free

    Set Free

    I once came across a video relating the story of the amazing transformation of a large dog, crippled with fear, cage-bound and unable to function normally. This was a video without words, just clips showing the progression of the story. In the beginning of the video a woman was taking a large dog home, but the large dog would not move a muscle, he was in a lying position with head down and wouldn’t move, as if frozen with paralysis. It was obvious the dog had been badly abused. She had to drag him on a blanket to the car. The next clips at her home showed her massaging all his muscles followed by clips of her showing him constant affection. He didn’t show any reciprocation or signs of life or joy at first… and he remained in his cage. Clips showed over time he would barely leave the cage only to eat, potty and quickly return to the cage. The woman persisted to work with him and lavish him with affection. Her work was very gradual, gentle and persistent. She proceeded to work with him for some time, I do not know the exact time lapse, but eventually the large dog showed signs of life, walking more and even showing a level of joy at the love and attention, eventually wagging his tail a bit and coming to her for affection. He ventured out of his cage. He loved her back. By the end of the video the dog was outside exploring with curiosity, happy and energetic… fully alive and free. As I watched the video tears streamed down my face. I was once like that poor beast, paralyzed and dead inside… in a cage I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I believe Christ began a process through his love of bringing me back to life and slowly bringing me out of the cage, and that he will make me fully alive and free. In Luke 4:18 Jesus says “He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives… “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36.

    Free indeed.

  • Self-harming Tendencies after Abuse, Part II

    In my previous post I touched on the distortion of God’s perfect design that childhood sexual abuse victims experience towards their bodies and views of self. Self-contempt and self-harming tendencies are not of God, but I believe are key tools of the evil ones to keep their subject in bondage. I experienced severe forms of self-contempt that manifested as eating disorders for nine years of my life starting when I was about 13 years old.

    I once heard someone diagnose a friend’s eating disorder as a “vanity disorder….” Although vanity may be a tool in some stage of an eating disorder, I have not seen it to be the actual issue in most severe eating disorders. Most of what I have researched and experienced first-hand in eating disorders is a deep shame and hatred towards one’s body. There is an element of punishment and causing harm to oneself in thoughts and deeds in all eating disorders. Self-contempt is the overarching theme.

    One of the most common findings is the higher level of suicidal thoughts and attempts in those with eating disorders. I experienced this without ever being around any discussions or even mention of suicide. I had begun going through the different ways to commit suicide in my head and deciding which I would never do. I thought this was just hypothetical and harmless, yet I now realize these were very evil and harmful thoughts to be having… I was most likely narrowing down my options. When I found myself in a manipulative, borderline abusive relationship and I took my first pregnancy test of my life I was terrified. My first thought was if I was pregnant “then I couldn’t kill myself” … I valued the life of a baby, but not my own.

    I know that some people claim no one gets completely better or healed from these types of disorders- I have met people who have told me so. Yet here I am. Is the temptation still there? Of course! But there came a day that Christ worked in power within me, that I could for the first time say “no” to what once ruled my life. As Wesley put so perfectly “sin doth remain, but it does not reign” … The disorder lost its power and grip over me. Christ ruled over it. I was a slave to it, but He freed me, and I am kept by Him. Apart from Christ I could go right back and worse than ever before. Am I free from all destructive self-contempt? No. This is something I may struggle with to some degree till the day I go to be with my Lord and He takes all the shattered pieces and makes me whole again. Yet I will continue to put up a fight for the rest of my life against the lies and that which is not of Him… and I trust Him in whatever He sovereignly allows. I will seek Him who is Truth and Life and seek to align myself with Him through repentance and renewing my mind.

    One area I personally struggle in is I regularly go through some degree of premenstrual dysphoric disorder every few weeks, which is a severe and unusual reaction to the normal hormonal shifts of the body and includes many psychological symptoms with alarming strength. Deep depression, hatred towards one’s body and self, severe fatigue… these are some of the symptoms. During these times I try to go for walks and pray out loud, also when reading I sometimes read the scripture out loud instead of reading and praying just in my head. I am not sure why, but from what I have learned it can be detrimental for abuse survivors to keep everything internal, and it can be helpful to communicate to some extent out loud. I have found this to be true in my own life. I am blessed to have a trusted and safe person to share thoughts with as I can communicate them, which can be very difficult. I find it is wise to keep this limited to one trusted person if possible. I also find it helpful to tell myself (out loud) certain truths that counter the lies that get so very loud at times. A dear pastor once said “God doesn’t make junk” … I am His handiwork. I am fearfully and wonderfully made… and so are you.

  • Self-harming Tendencies After Abuse, Part I

    Ephesians 5:29 “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church…”

    Psalm 139:14 “I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”

    In God’s perfect design we were supposed to have an innate sense of being “fearfully and wonderfully made” and to have a natural love and care for our own body. This in and of itself is not sinful but rather how we were created and a picture of Christ and his care for the church. Those who have been sexually abused as children often (or perhaps always) have had this innate sense distorted, or even destroyed, through what they endured. For whatever reason it is usually the child who will take on the shame rather than admit that person in position of trust and power acted in a way that was evil. For that person may have been the child’s very framework of love and care and even what God was like, so it must have been something in the child that caused the abuse, for to face the evil would threaten to destroy that child’s fragile framework that they so desperately need. As adults it is very important to separate the things done that were evil from their view of God. Those things never entered his mind; He is perfect and pure and nothing like the abuser and the evil that was done. Refusing to admit to the evil may cause incredible damage to your faith as you will subconsciously attribute some of the attributes of the perpetrator to God or let it taint your view of Him.

    Worse still than the child taking on the blame is when the victimized child musters up the courage to share with another (often after half a lifetime of silence) only to be met with further blame. A woman once told me she tried to tell her husband about the abuse, to which he replied, “Well you must have liked it, or you would’ve gotten away.” What a wicked thing to say! We must refute these lies in our thinking as I believe it deeply grieves the heart of God and plunges further the deep wounds and the level of self-contempt these people experience.

    In the book “The Wounded Heart,” the author states “Self-contempt is Satan’s counterfeit for true conviction. Contempt attacks the perceived source of the problem to gain control and then attempts to regain relationships with others and God through penitent deeds. Conviction humbly recognizes the need for grace and embraces a sorrow that leads to life and sacrificial love… A sorrow unto life is a merger of the bitterness that arises from breaking God’s heart and the sweet joy of being restored to His embrace… Repentance decreases shame, increases passion, and welcomes restoration.”

    This is what I desire, true repentance! Sorrow unto life! All the sorrow of self-contempt was sorrow unto death and never produced life or true humility. I will share more on this topic of self-contempt and the self-harming tendencies after abuse that the Lord rescued me out of and helps me through on a regular basis in Part II.

  • For His Glory

    For His Glory

    For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by home we cry “Abba! Father!” Romans 8:15

    Joseph was sold into slavery by those who were supposed to love and care for him…

    I was sold into slavery to fear by the very ones who were supposed to love me by God’s perfect design… but now God says I am no longer to be a bondservant to men, but a bondservant to Christ, who instead of giving a spirit of slavery to fear as men give, gives the Spirit of adoption, by whom I may cry “Abba! Father!” and thereby I receive Him who is Love, and He who is perfect love casts out fear.

    I am not set free to do as I please. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” I was bought with the precious blood of Christ, I am not my own. I am set free to glorify Him.

    Evil done by men who are being used by Satan and his minions is always to “steal, kill and destroy” John 10:10. In contrast, hurt allowed by God or even directly from Him (as in the case of conviction) is always in love to help, to heal, to correct, to perfect his own as His beloved children- never to destroy you. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice.” Isaiah 42:3. Even the things that were utterly not of Him, that never even entered His mind, that were meant to break, to quench and destroy, can by His miraculous redemptive work alone be turned to good and to His glory.

  • He Ran to Me

    I once saw a book sitting on the shelf of someone I cared for that was about life after marrying a “prodigal son,” apparently giving advice to spouses of such terribly labeled people. If you have been in church circles long enough you have surely heard prayer requests for all the “prodigal sons,” usually referring to adult children who were raised to know better but then went off into drugs and alcohol or some grossly sinful lifestyle. What if these conceptions are completely missing the heart of the parable? In the parable it shows one of the most beautiful pictures of repentance, as one author stated, “A sorrow unto life is a merger of the bitterness that arises from breaking God’s heart and the sweet joy of being restored to His embrace… Repentance decreases shame, increases passion, and welcomes restoration.” If you don’t think you were ever a prodigal son, you will never understand what it means to truly repent and to be met with open arms by the Father. The parable said the father ran… as the song “When God Ran” so perfectly stated “He ran to me, He took me in His arms, Held my head to His chest, Said “My son’s come home again!” Lifted my face, Wiped the tears from my eyes, With forgiveness in His voice He said “Son, do you know I still love You?” The parable shows the heart of the Father, our Father in heaven, that the moment we turn to Him, He welcomes us with open arms, with joy and forgiveness… the love of the Father knows no bounds, it keeps no record of wrongs, is slow to anger, quick to forgive and rejoices in the truth. The parable says “For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found” Luke 15:24. Ephesians 2 lays out this exact description of what we were all like before Christ, “And you were dead in your trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience- among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind”… was this just those awful people we know, those “prodigal son’s?” or was it as the verse says “we all”… verse 4 goes on “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by grace you have been saved… so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” God showed his great love and reached out to us in sending His son Jesus, He proved that He is the loving Father we all desire in our deepest being. When I was far off and did not love Him, He loved me and made a way for me, that a wretch like me could come and pray to a Holy God and cry “Abba, Father, Daddy and Friend” …I was a prodigal son… and He ran to me.

  • Love of the Truth

    Love of the Truth

    I believe we are living in a time of increasing deception. One of the first signs of the end times mentioned in the bible is being led astray (Matthew 24:4) Deception is clearly a characteristic of Satan “…the father of lies” … (John 8:44) and unless we are lovers of the truth, we will be counted with those led astray unto condemnation. 2 Thessalonians 2:9-12 lays out a terrible fate for those who “refused to love the truth and so be saved” … “who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness” … they are given over to the lie they embrace… “Therefore, God sends them a strong delusion, so that they may believe what is false, in order that all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness.” How terrifying! If we push away the Spirit of truth, who bears witness about Jesus Christ, (see John 15:26) who scripture says is THE TRUTH, eventually God gives us what we want… a lie instead of Him. Do we love the truth? When conviction comes, do we love the truth about the depths of the wickedness of our own hearts? Will we face the truth of our failure to love God and others in embracing self-protective coping and refusing to be deeply involved with others out of a fear of vulnerability or the ties those deep longings have with the horrors of abuse? Will we love the truth to our own hurt? When the word of God cuts like a two-edged sword do we love the truth enough to accept the cutting and what is revealed about the thoughts and intents of our hearts? Will we abide in God’s word, which points to THE TRUTH… “and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” Truth is a person, more real and alive than anyone you have ever known. He, as one person always said, “is a gentleman” and will never force you to do anything… it is completely up to you whether you will love Him back… whether you will love the truth, and “so be saved” (2 Thessalonians 2:10). God already proved His love for you when you were far off and did not love Him… He sent His one and only son to die on a cross that you would not perish but have eternal life, for he did not come to condemn you but to save you (John 3:16). You are seen. And you are deeply loved.

  • Trusting Him

    If my ailments and struggles have made me more reliant on God and kept me close to Him, then I thank and praise Him- in that He in His infinite loving wisdom allowed what only He could know would draw me ever closer to Him. I have met many people over the course of my life who spend all their life, their time, money and energy, seeking to “fix” their bodies and to control every aspect of what may disrupt their very delicate sense of balance. I have read books on these types of methods of dealing with the aftermath of childhood trauma and the never-ending list of how to manage day-to-day life as a damaged person, or as one person said “a shattered soul.” What if the goal we are working so hard to achieve is actually independence from God Himself? What if all our stiving is actually a refusal to be humble and rely solely on Him? We will do anything but simply trust Him. What glory does God get if I “fixed myself?” Who is “healer” if I achieve healing by my own works? Those who reach such healing never seem restful or truly “healed” to me, but always working so hard to “maintain” said healing. When God does the work, He receives all the glory, and I enter in with simple thankfulness and restful dependence on Him to keep me. Do we in our practical everyday lives trust that He knows best? Do we trust that He is perfect and loving in all He has sovereignly allowed in our lives? Yes, we pray to know His will and ask His healing, but do we trust Him in whatever His answer may be? If His answer is “my grace is sufficient” … and “My power is made perfect in weakness” as He told Paul will we trust Him? What if by God’s sovereign will we suffer the rejection and abuse of men? Jesus did just that, wholly trusting His all loving, all wise heavenly father. This is the kind of trust that we as children of God can have, for He is our heavenly Father just as He was and is to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is my “Abba,” my loving “daddy” perfect and pure and holy. He is to be trusted with every fiber of my being as Jesus showed through His life unto death on a cross. Jesus rejected the wisdom of man and entrusted himself entirely to the Father, accepting all things, including suffering, in humble dependence on the Father… will we trust Him whose ways are not our ways, He who is perfect in all His ways?!

  • No Longer a Victim

     

    One of the ways an abuse survivor is kept crippled in their walk as a follower of Christ is in accepting a state of victimhood. This is something I have seen so clearly in my own life and the life of other victims is how victim mentality and self-pity can stunt any growth spiritually and often render the person powerless in their walk with Christ. A person in a victim mentality will never see their own sin, or at least not in any seriousness compared to the sins of others. I see this as one of the greatest hinderances to abiding in Christ and experiencing cleansing and forgiveness and victory. A person who sees their own sin as serious enough to damn them to hell and to need a savior willing to take on all the sin of the world- MY SIN- upon that cursed tree… this is a person who will see the love of God as shown in Christ Jesus. This is a person who will know they have been forgiven much. They will love much. They will be humble, dependent on God. One book I have found especially helpful is “The Wounded Heart” by Dan B. Allender. This book helped me immensely in that it revealed the sin the abuse victim will surely struggle with, and I found it very accurate. I found it so refreshing to focus not on the sin of the other party, but my own sin. Victimhood gives excuses for our actions- our own sin- because of the sin of others. Self-pity I have heard it said once, is demonic. C. S. Lewis put it this way: “The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first—wanting to be the center—wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race.” Another observation I have is victims and those indulging in self-pity love company. They stumble others as they themselves stumble. Our sin is never in a vacuum, it always affects others. This is not to say that it is wrong to grieve the evil done. I do believe there is a right sadness and grief over the abuse, and this is not the same as walking in self-pity. I for one do not want to walk as a victim anymore. Romans 8:37 “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” What a tragedy for those who were meant to embrace Christ who loved them and to walk as conquerors (because He has conquered!) to remain victims.

  • By Faith

    Do we walk by faith, or by sight? Do we let ourselves ride the waves of our emotions in discerning difficulties, of what is good and what is evil? Are we led by our sensual wisdom? Or are we led by God alone in faith, do we “lean not on our own understanding” but in ALL our ways, our emotions acknowledge Him? We will never see clearly to do and say what is right and of God in the midst of trial if we are controlled by our own emotions. “For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed it cannot.”- Romans 8:7 ESV. Try as we may, we will not submit to God and be pleasing unto him when we lean on our own flesh, our minds and emotions for guidance. Fear will be our master, worry our constant “friend,” we will pity those who need reproved and judge those who we should pray for, we will condemn those God loves. We will act before seeking God’s face and act apart from His wisdom… we will act foolishly. Only through God’s free offer of freedom from the spirit of slavery- provided in Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior, by which we have received the Spirit of adoption as sons through whom we cry Abba, Father! will we escape deception. We will either be women of faith who stand firm in the day of trial, or we will be those whose hearts fail them in the day of trial, those who are used in Satan’s final rage as his time draws near, those who by neglect or rebellion of God’s loving instruction, correction, authority and claim to our all… are deceived. We don’t have to be what we have been in the past. Let us do one thing, as Paul said so perfectly, “…forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 3:13-14. By the grace and power of the Lord Jesus Christ alone who works within us all that is pleasing to the Father, Amen.

  • Thoughts & Emotions

    Many of the following posts will have to do with thoughts and emotions in particular, as these are areas that those with childhood sexual abuse experience much damage due to the trauma during developmental stages. This is an area of struggle and a battleground for every Christian, but is magnified in some ways for the victim. By God’s grace every Christian is called to take their thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) regardless of the depths of struggle, this is war worth fighting if we are to abide in Christ. I say this knowing the fragmentation, the automatic responses, the raging of destructive thoughts and emotions… I say this not lightly or ignorantly… but fully experiencing the damage, and not willing to use it as an excuse. The word of God does not change based on your experiences. Will we be those who conform to the word or do we twist the word to our liking? Will we counted with those who bow the knee to the Lord of lords, who to understand the word we “stand under” – understand it? Will we give him full control and authority in our lives? This is my prayer!

     

  • Source of Power

    Witchcraft is relying on any power other than God… with many of the “fixes” I have encountered, methods for dealing with the ongoing effects of childhood sexual abuse, there is one aspect of these solutions that stands out to me that helps me decide whether I as a follower of Christ should engage with such methods. The aspect I see is every fix, every solution, every healing seems to come from one of three places. Either the healing comes from God, myself, or some other “force” or entity or “energy” or power. I would suggest that the methods I have seen all come down to relying on the power of God alone, myself, or the spiritual powers that be, the devil and his demons. Apart from relying on God alone I will find myself in a place of further independence without God and although I will find a measure of relief from the lingering effects of the trauma in having more and more of a sense of control in my life, I will be pulled further away from God and further into sin. I was made to live in humble dependence on God alone and only in this state of perfect order can I be what he made me to be in relation to my perfect heavenly Father and only in this state will I grow in my relationship with Him and Christ will be glorified in me. I refuse to engage with a method that may provide temporary relief while sacrificing my nearness to my heavenly Father or even leading me into a deception of having found healing, when in actuality I am plunging into a worse bondage, although often more pleasing in the eyes of society. I am not willing to get relief at any price. I will not betray my Lord in the name of selfish gain. In the name of self-protection. I must die to self if I am to live with Christ. I choose to trust Him alone. If you are to continue to grow in your walk with Christ you will need to make this distinction in your own life. You have to decide, is God worthy of your absolute, humble dependence, in trust that He is ALL WISE, and ALL LOVING? Christ chose that road, he walked in perfect trust towards the Father, even unto abuse and death. He endured the deepest evils on that cross, the darkest abuses, in taking all of sin upon himself… he who knew no sin. Will we choose to trust?