In my previous post I touched on the distortion of God’s perfect design that childhood sexual abuse victims experience towards their bodies and views of self. Self-contempt and self-harming tendencies are not of God, but I believe are key tools of the evil ones to keep their subject in bondage. I experienced severe forms of self-contempt that manifested as eating disorders for nine years of my life starting when I was about 13 years old.
I once heard someone diagnose a friend’s eating disorder as a “vanity disorder….” Although vanity may be a tool in some stage of an eating disorder, I have not seen it to be the actual issue in most severe eating disorders. Most of what I have researched and experienced first-hand in eating disorders is a deep shame and hatred towards one’s body. There is an element of punishment and causing harm to oneself in thoughts and deeds in all eating disorders. Self-contempt is the overarching theme.
One of the most common findings is the higher level of suicidal thoughts and attempts in those with eating disorders. I experienced this without ever being around any discussions or even mention of suicide. I had begun going through the different ways to commit suicide in my head and deciding which I would never do. I thought this was just hypothetical and harmless, yet I now realize these were very evil and harmful thoughts to be having… I was most likely narrowing down my options. When I found myself in a manipulative, borderline abusive relationship and I took my first pregnancy test of my life I was terrified. My first thought was if I was pregnant “then I couldn’t kill myself” … I valued the life of a baby, but not my own.
I know that some people claim no one gets completely better or healed from these types of disorders- I have met people who have told me so. Yet here I am. Is the temptation still there? Of course! But there came a day that Christ worked in power within me, that I could for the first time say “no” to what once ruled my life. As Wesley put so perfectly “sin doth remain, but it does not reign” … The disorder lost its power and grip over me. Christ ruled over it. I was a slave to it, but He freed me, and I am kept by Him. Apart from Christ I could go right back and worse than ever before. Am I free from all destructive self-contempt? No. This is something I may struggle with to some degree till the day I go to be with my Lord and He takes all the shattered pieces and makes me whole again. Yet I will continue to put up a fight for the rest of my life against the lies and that which is not of Him… and I trust Him in whatever He sovereignly allows. I will seek Him who is Truth and Life and seek to align myself with Him through repentance and renewing my mind.
One area I personally struggle in is I regularly go through some degree of premenstrual dysphoric disorder every few weeks, which is a severe and unusual reaction to the normal hormonal shifts of the body and includes many psychological symptoms with alarming strength. Deep depression, hatred towards one’s body and self, severe fatigue… these are some of the symptoms. During these times I try to go for walks and pray out loud, also when reading I sometimes read the scripture out loud instead of reading and praying just in my head. I am not sure why, but from what I have learned it can be detrimental for abuse survivors to keep everything internal, and it can be helpful to communicate to some extent out loud. I have found this to be true in my own life. I am blessed to have a trusted and safe person to share thoughts with as I can communicate them, which can be very difficult. I find it is wise to keep this limited to one trusted person if possible. I also find it helpful to tell myself (out loud) certain truths that counter the lies that get so very loud at times. A dear pastor once said “God doesn’t make junk” … I am His handiwork. I am fearfully and wonderfully made… and so are you.
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